Titanic was a masterpeice of engineering, an unsinkable passenger liner ... that sunk on its first trip. Many movies were made based on this story but one in the 1990's was the biggest movie of all time by some metrics. It also had lots of material to mock. So here is a shortened version of that massive movie.
Scene 1 ‑
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art
you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he
will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because
they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps
you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me.
You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put
on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep
coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white
shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here
and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until
the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo,
even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you
and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably
be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure
the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is
entirely one‑dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into
the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have
at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of
yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and
Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically
it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo
is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his
side. Boo!)
Scene 2 ‑
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could
cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made
a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I
cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows
together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt
help the cattle‑like audience forgive me of this, though they would
probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same
thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so
of course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be
at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might
not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three
weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong
Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that
is exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)
Scene 3 ‑
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of
drinking.)
ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (Silence.)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?
Scene 4 ‑
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more
immoral‑but‑justified behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal
here! (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally
dubious yet somehow less annoying than you personality, I am
going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be
filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I
believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to
escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die
anyway...
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
Scene 5 ‑
150‑YEAR‑OLD‑KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me
from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water.
Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue him, I could have
gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off.
Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand
years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down
that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with
your loud music. Why, when I was ‑ hey! Don't you walk away
from me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in
the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine
Dion song.)