As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
alt.sci.physics.new-theories:7621
1.) Gravity does not move in straight lines. It only appears
so to an untrained eye. Gravity actually moves in cursive handwriting.
2.) The Earth has a second moon, The Noom, which is never visible
because it is always rotating faster than the Earth so that we
never see it because it's always beyond the horizon.
3.) Cats and dogs are single atoms. Cats are tive,negative dogs are positive,
and fleas are the binding force.
4.) If you go several hours without blinking you'll die when your brain
dries up and at the autopsy it'll look like a little raisin unless
they put it in water immediately.
7.) JFK was killed to hide the conspiracy to change the musical "A"
to 448 cycles per second, a move designed to fool people into thinking
that "different" notes sound different. Get real! They all sound
the same to me, and someday you too will realize the truth.
8.) The galaxy was formed by a very slow process akin to claymation.
9.) On any multiple-choice test, more answers will be "C" than "A" because
of the Coriolis Force, except in the Eastern Hemisphere.
These are for standard 8 digit calculators:
Go to 1289 x 6 !!
Your head is made of 159 x 20 + 5 = ö 5000
123456 + 288 = ö 160000 there!
Watch out for that 463 x 8
Don't stare at these:2417 x 24 or 39103 x 136
She is 6922251 x 8
He's gone 47 x 15 ö 1000
38671 x 100 + 3 = x 2 !
You like eating 601 x 125 !
"Twinkie, Twinkie,
Little suet-filled sponge cake crisco log,
Now I know just what you are."
"Animal, Vegetable, Mineral, or Food?"
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:
EXPOSURE:
Twinkie was left on a ... window ledge for four days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed... the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess."
RADIATION:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven ... a second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment ... this Twinkie leaked molten white filling ... when cooled, this now epoxy-like filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
EXTREME FORCE:
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up ... then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside ... otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
EXTREME COLD:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed" .. the filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercury like property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.
EXTREME HEAT:
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation experiment.
IMMERSION:
A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink ... viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluable artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original size ... the water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes."
Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure ... the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
SUMMARY OF RESULTS
... the Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who
would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
*****Remember, everyone, you must wear your safety goggles. Twinkies are indestructible, but you aren't.
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the
universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force
proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the
distance between them.
CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85
>million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically
charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million
>miles per hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the Uncertainty Principle, it is impossible
for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this
product is and how fast it is moving.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a
process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from
its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe,
including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be
responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested version
of a Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product
may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise
would contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product in any manner
whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although
no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process
will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by
a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive
power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the
consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of
99.99999999% empty space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be
entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the
consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond
those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new
dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "volume" that they cannot be
detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer
is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist
only in a vague and undermined state.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons,
etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable
respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim
to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its
mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the
user.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including
this product, may one day collapse back into and infinitesimally small
space. Should another universe subsequently emerge, the existence of this
product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
-- Journal of Irreproducable Results (36.1) by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench
to pound in the correct screw.
Buy a Pentium 400 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.
My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
>>>>>-------- The information went data way -------->
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
C:\> File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Hit any user to continue.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing
with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand."
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS!
Subject: Fwd: hot air balloon
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30
feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be in upper management in some business."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position
you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
ELEMENT: Woman
>
> SYMBOL: Wo
>
> DISCOVERER: Adam
>
> ATOMIC MASS: This element exists as an unstable isotope with claimed masses ranging from 50 Kg to 200 Kg. The average atomic mass is still a subject of aggressive debate.
>
OCCURENCES: The element is very mobile in the environment and can be found seasonally in different geological areas. However natural occurrences are always found in a pure form and in massive quantities. Woman can be found in various states in the environment, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
Note: Apparently woman is a very suitable material for construction for where ever commercial structures are located woman will inevitably be found.
>
> PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
>
MP/BP: Material has only been found to exist at its Triple Point (existing as a gas, solid, and liquid simultaneously). Research as to what pressure/temperature combination will cause woman to freeze, melt, or boil has proven inconclusive with the same experiment producing widely varying results.
LEL/UEL: HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE!!!! Extreme caution should be exercised when handling Woman. No lower or upper concentration limit has been found at which the element will not explode upon even the smallest of sparks.
>
> CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
>
- Bonds readily with gold, silver, platinum and the crystallized forms of many minerals (like diamonds, rubies, etc.). This process occurs even at low temperature and is very exothermic.
Note: This exothermic energy has been put to use in many real world applications and the combination of Woman and one of these substances can be used to achieve many exciting works.
- Normally Woman is insoluble in aqueous solution, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol
>
> COMMON USES
>
> 1. Woman is often used like gold as an ornamental display. A great quantity of this element is always indicative of a large price paid.
> 2. Woman is often prescribed as an aid to relaxation despite long term studies which have shown that the amount of benefit brought by the use of the element rarely outweighs the frustration the user must endure to keep the agent in a stable form.
> 3. Very effective cleaning agent
>
> TESTS
>
> 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
> 2. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen
>
> HAZARDS
> 1. Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands
> 2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several supplies
> can be maintained in different locations, as long as they do not come
> into contact with one another
> 3. This element also has unfortuanate incompatibilities with most of the
materials used to make money. When money is placed in even the close
proximity of Women it will noticibly be reduced even as the researcher observes
The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith
was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the
night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
"HARDWARE: The part of the computer that can be kicked.
If you can only curse at it, it's software."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Q: What does a constipated mathematician do??
A: Works it out with a pencil
Taken From the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991
The Best and Worst Comments Received
====================================
"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."
"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."
" The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
"Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another?
That's the way I felt all term."
" In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."
"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
" In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever."
"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope
my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."
"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
" TA steadily improved throughout the course...
I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--
spraying in all directions--no way to stop it."
"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin
tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the text."
"What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality paper.'"
Scientists decode a portion of the first message from an alien civilizaton!
YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO REALIZE THE FUTURE OF YOUR CIVILIZATION. SIMPLY SEND 6X1050ATOMS OF HYDROGEN TO THE STAR SYSTEM AT THE TOP OF THE LIST, CROSS OFF THAT STAR SYSTEM, THEN PUT YOUR STAR SYSTEM AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST AND SEND IT TO 100 OTHER STAR SYSTEMS. WITHIN ONE TENTH OF A GALACTIC ROTATION YOU WILL RECEIVE ENOUGH HYDROGREN TO POWER YOUR CIVILIZATION UNTIL ENTROPY REACHES ITS MAXIMUM! IT REALLY WORKS!
A professor was assigning a major project for some college students and said "There will be no excuses for lateness so save your funerals and personal illnesses for another time." Then a smartass student got up and said "What if we have a majorly tiring sexual experience?" and the professor said "I'm sure you can learn to write with your other hand."
When John Glenn comes back to Earth, EVERYONE put on a monkey suit! We've got three days to bury the Statue of Liberty!!
A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each
student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to
share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher
asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises
her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs
on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well,
one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the
basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the
story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says, "Well
my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken
eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12
eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and
Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."
Finally it's little Billy's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in
the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy
territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine
gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the
case of beer."
"Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese
soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets,
so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly
any moral to his story and Billy replies, "Don't mess with uncle
Ted when he's been drinking."
2000 B.C. ‑ Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. ‑ That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. ‑ That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. ‑ That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. ‑ That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. ‑ That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this
root.
Sign in Sandia National Lab's Physics Department:
"Do not look directly into laser beam with remaining eye."
Tired of using that old standard of 299 792 458m/s for the speed of light?
Is c or 3.00x10^8m/s all you ever write? Then try some of these new
measures... amaze your friends, annoy your physics professors!
7.0x10^5 astronomical units/sunspot cycle
2.9267x10^11 bolts/jovian rotational period
3.613x10^19 calibers/lunar year
4.323x10^17 cubits/century
2.0965x10^18 Didot picas/year
8.2772x10^19 ells/eon
1.6392x10^-7 fathoms/femtosecond
3.2612x10^13 (fermi)(cesium standard frequency)
1.8026x10^12 furlongs/fortnight
6.4825x10^14 geelongs/((tex)(tropical year))
1.7846x10^15 hands/week
1.0326x10^16 inches/venusian hour
2.4743x10^11 international cable lengths/ionian day
5.8275x10^8 knots
6.2094x10^4 leauges/second
1.4163x10^30 lines/exosecond
3.80x10^15 links/lunar month
5.77x10^-7 megaparsecs/martian year
3.7248x10^23 mils/millenium
4.5323x10^14 nails/day
1.7063x10^12 nautical leauges/leapyear
9.4870x10^-17 nautical miles/nanosecond
1.3031x10^19 paces/millenium
9.7156x10^-21 parsecs/picosecond
1.8812x10^15 (perches || poles || rods)/sidereal year
4.7849x10^15 ropes/month
1.1300x10^14 spans/sidereal day
4.6122x10^19 squares/second (.65 micron process)
8.2911x10^16 US printer's points/Solarian day
2.4644x10^15 US survey feet/leapyear February
9.4417x10^28 X-Units/mean calendar year
1.0347x10^16 yards/year
__________________________________________
All units from the HP48 Equation Library or the CRC Handbook of Chemistry
and Physics, 71st Ed (1990-91).
Since I hardly qualify as a math.wizard, I recommend checking all values
before actually using them.
Duff
====
The World's Easiest Quiz
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ below
1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish
of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
THE ENGINEERS SONG - (SUNG TO THE TUNE OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES)
Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
VAX that is ... CRT's ... Workstations;
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Corps of Engineers is the place ya oughta go",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Sacramento,
The State Capital that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;
On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life
Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life just slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...
The Ignorant Archaeologists
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a
cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in
this order of appearance:
A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least
three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it
brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came
to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of
conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the
markings. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the
first drawing and said:
"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family‑
oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were
intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart
enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks
like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help
them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which
means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow,
they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the
Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and
said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
interpretations." Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the
room and said, "Idiots! You are all wrong about what the writings say.
First of all, everyone knows that Hebrew is not read from left to right,
but from right to left. Look again. ... It now says: "Holy Mackerel,
Dig The Ass On That Woman!"
"THE BIG EXAM"
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years
by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known
as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past
him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who where taking Chemistry and
who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends
were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals
week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to
U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hang-overs and
everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke
until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the
final and explained to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned
to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way
back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so
were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final
on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud
of their story.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had
told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a
test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about
molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought,
"this is going to be easy".
They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared,
however, for what they saw on the next page...
WHICH TIRE? (95 points)
DIFFERENT STAGES OF COLD (in degrees Fahrenheit)
* 65: Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
* 60: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
* 50: Miami residents turn on the heat
* 45: New England residents still go to outdoor concerts
* 40: You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go skinny dipping. Texans put socks on under their cowboy
boots
* 35: Italian cars don't start
* 32: Water freezes
* 30: You plan your getaway vacation to Australia
* 25: Ohio water freezes. Californians weep openly. Texans put on their
neon ski jackets and matching color-blocked, long-sleeved Garth Brooks
shirts. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming
* 20: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water
freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further South
* 15: French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* 10: You need jumper cables to get the car going
* 5: American cars don't start
* 0: Alaskans put on T-shirts
* -10: German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink
* -15: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick
tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
* -20: Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do
something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start
* -25: Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* -30: You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start
* -40: Californians disappear. Minnesotans wear long sleeves. Canadians
put on light sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip South
* -50: Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans finally close the bedroom
window
* -80: Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Minnesota Viking fans
order hot cocoa at the games
* -90: Lawyers actually put their hands in their own pockets
SUBJ: Enginerds Explained
Excerpted from 'The Dilbert Principle' by Scott Adams
Contributed to HumourNet by Duncan Sterling
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like
other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people
who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology‑
oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter
will teach you everthing you need to know.
All technical professionals share a common set of traits. For
convenience, I will focus primarily on engineers. It is safe to
generalize to the other science and technology professions.
For the record, I'm not an engineer by training. But I spent ten
years working with engineers and programmers in a variety of jobs.
I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the
way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the
hassle of grooming.
In time, I came to respect and appreciate the ways of engineers.
Eventually I found myself adopting their beautiful yet functional
philosophies about life. It was too late for me to go back to
school and become a real engineer but at least I could pretend to be
one and enjoy the obvious benefits of elevated sexual appeal. So
far I think it's working.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in
your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him
this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...
1. Straighten it.
2. Ignore it.
3. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
solar‑powered, self‑adjusting picture frame while often stating
aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody
who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames
the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
My contribution to the understanding of engineers will be to try to
explain the noble, well‑reasoned motives behind what the so‑called
normal people perceive as odd behaviors.
SOCIAL SKILLS
It's totally unfair to suggest‑‑as many have‑‑that engineers are
socially inept. Engineers simply have different objectives when it
comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social interaction:
*Stimulating and thought‑provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans
These goals are irrational and stupid. Experience shows that most
conversations degenerate into discussions about parking spaces,
weather patterns, elapsed time since you last exercised, and‑‑God
forbid‑‑"feelings." Those topics hardly qualify as stimulating and
thought‑provoking. Nor are they useful.
Engineers realize that making personal contacts is not valuable in
their occupation. For them it's not "who you know" that matters,
it's "who knows less than you do" that counts.
Nor is there much tangible value in feeling "connected" with other
humans. That stuff is best left to the poets and the multilevel
marketing organization. To an engineer, most "normal" people are
intellectually indistinguishable from Mexican jumping beans with
faces. Feeling "connected" with carbon‑based dolts holds all the
joy of being handcuffed to a dead zebra‑‑it sounds special, but it
can get old fast.
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives
for social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
These are sensible goals and ones that can produce great joy. Tho
social skill of an engineer must be evaluated on the basis of these
rational objectives, not on the basis of bizarre and nonsensical
societal standards. Viewed in this light, I think you'll agree that
engineers are very effective in their social interactions. It's the
"normal" people who are nuts.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one
of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things
that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play
with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no
problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if
it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't
broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering
what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take
a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make
showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full
of sub‑optimized and feature‑poor toys.
That's a good thing, society‑wise.
If not for the compulsions of engineers, mankind would have never
seen the wheel, settling instead for the trapezoid because some
Neanderthal in Marketing convinced everybody it had great braking
ability. And there would be no fire, because some middle‑manager
cave person would point out that if fire was such a good idea the
other cave people would already be using it.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
If you think about it logically, you are the only person who doesn't
have to look at yourself, not counting the brief moments you look in
the mirror. Engineers understand that their appearance only bothers
other people and therefore it is not worth optimizing.
Another plus: Bad fashion can discourage normal people from
interacting with the engineer and talking about the cute things
their children do.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship
<Enterprise> are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex
with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an
engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex
without the participation of other life forms. Consequently,
ratings for "Star Trek" will remain high as long as they stay away
from any realism.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ
various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false
impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing
appearance above function.
For society, it's probably a good thing that engineers value
function over appearance. For example, you wouldn't want engineers
to build nuclear power plants that only <look> like they would keep
all the radiation inside. You have to consider the global
perspective. But the engineer's emphasis on function over form is a
big disadvantage for dating, where the goal is to act phony until
the other person loves you for the person that you are.
Engineers don't like to make small talk because no useful
information is exchanged. It is more useful to explain complicated
technology issues to any human who will stand still. That way at
least some information is exchanged and the encounter is not wasted.
Unfortunately, it seems that a normal person would rather have a
bushel of pine cones rammed up the nose than listen to a story about
technology. But that's no reason to stop imparting valuable
knowledge to a person who doesn't want it.
Sometimes normal people will try to use body language to end an
encounter with an engineer. But engineers ignore body language
because it is an imprecise science at best. For example, it's
almost impossible to tell the difference between a comatose stare
and an expression of interest.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that
many normal people would prefer not to <date> an engineer, most
normal people harbor an intense desire to <mate> with them, thus
producing engineerlike children who will have high‑paying jobs long
before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid
thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually
irresistible men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and
remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical
death. Longer if it's a warm day.
BATTLING UNFAIR STEREOTYPES
Engineers are often stereotyped in the media. It is horribly unfair
to assign a set of common traits to an entire of people. There is
some talk that I have been guilty of doing this myself, but I
contend I've been framed.
To set the record straight, I have interviewed thousands of
engineers and determined that the stereotypes do <not> fit them all.
Here are the exceptions I found:
ENGINEER EXCEPTION TO STEREOTYPE
Elmer Moline, Calgary, Canada Had a second date at age 23
Herb Blinthem, San Jose, CA Enjoyed "Bridges of Madison County"
Anita Fluman, Dublin, CA Has rhythm
Hugh Hunkelbein, Schaumburg, IL Doesn't care how his T.V. remote control works as long as it does
HONESTY
For humans, honesty is a matter of degree. Engineers are always
honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why
it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic
interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. But thanks to the
concept of "common usage" this is not technically dishonest in the
modern workplace.
Sometimes engineers say things that sound like lies but technically
are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The
complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard‑to‑find cable tomorrow."
"I <have> to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness
or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is
simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this
situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
ADVICE
Engineers are always delighted to share wisdom, even in areas in
which they have no experience whatsoever. Their logic provides them
with inherent insight into any field of expertise. This can be a
problem when dealing with the illogical people who believe that
knowledge can only be derived through experience.
EXPLAINING ENGINEERING
Most people don't know what it means to be an engineer. There are
many types of engineers and they do many fascinating things during
the workday. However, the excitement and pure adrenaline rush of
the engineer's life is sometimes lost when it is explained to other
people.
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the
ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of
everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers
to be pronounced dead prematurely.
There are numerous reports (I can't remember where I saw these
reports, but when I think of it I'll mail you copies) of engineers
who were halfway through the embalming process before they sat up
and shouted something like "I've got it‑‑all it needs is a backup
relay circuit!!!" Some funeral homes in high‑tech areas have started
checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a
degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer
programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see
if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can.
This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little
mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* The Hindenberg
* Space Shuttle Challenger
* Hubble space telescope
* Apollo 13
* Titantic
* Ford Pinto
* Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK REWARD
Public humiliation and the death A certificate of appreciation
of thousands of innocent people. in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to
avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically
impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the
engineer will fall back to a second line of defense:
"It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
The quickest way to make a project uneconomical is by doubling the
resources needed and using the cover story that you need to prevent
failures.
EGO
Ego‑wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare
that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an
unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is
sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of
challenges quickly become personal‑‑a battle between the engineer
and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a
problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they
succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that
is better than sex‑‑and I'm including the kind of sex where other
people are involved. Not only is it better at the moment, but it
lasts for as long as people will listen to the engineer's tale of
conquest.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When
an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that
means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to
glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say
something along these lines:
"I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult
technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon
the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
Engineers can actually hear machines talk to them. The rattle in
the car's engine teases softly, "I'll bet you can't find me." The
computer hums an approving tune when the engineer writes an
especially brilliant piece of computer code. The toaster says "Not
yet, not yet, not yet" until the toast pops out. An engineer who is
surrounded by machines is never lonely and never judged by
appearance. These are friends.
So it should be no surprise that engineers invest much of their ego
in what kinds of "friends" they have.
********************************************************************
Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :‑)
********************************************************************
How to get Electric Power from Hamsters
How to get Electric Power from Hamsters
Stick copper and zinc electrode‑needles in opposite ends of
hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.
Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal‑rights activists and other anti‑cruelty types: demand
payment in the form of electric current.
Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run
electric turbine.
Cold Fusion ‑> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
Put hamster on electricity‑generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain
pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition.
Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.
Accumulate enough hamsters so that the self‑gravitational force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use
thermocouples to generate energy.
Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.
(This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of
antimatter ‑‑ a anti‑hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power....
1. Find a good genetic engineer
2. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
3. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
4. Perriodically drain off the voltage. Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.
P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue‑green algae as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed
the hamsters! (Well, maybe some posphorous and iron and stuff)
Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning‑ breathing hamster as power source.
Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more power from the little bugger.
Take thousands of hamsters into orbit ‑‑ when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough
hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar
cells to convert radioation to electricity.
Throw in more hamsters (see above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than
that...
Repeat above with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting neutron‑hamsters around each other in a binary
orbit... use gravity waves to rotate turbine.
Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters are electricity. (Well, they've got lots of
electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got electricity. (I say "five
or six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after ONE hit make absolutely no sense
afterwards, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese
practice, besides Leary used to take five hits or so. QED.)
Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.
Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti‑ matter. Combine the first hamster with the
anti‑hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy.
Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass
rod. Drawback: only creates static electricty.
How Specs Live Forever
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4
feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that
gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England,
and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the
first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre‑railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for
building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if
they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on
some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of
the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance
roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of
their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the
ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear
of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war
chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome
they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United
State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the
original specification for an Imperial Roman
army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what
horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because
the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to
accommodate the back‑ends of two war horses.
Nerd Season
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Craig on 12‑16‑1998
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 2.5, Suitability: G
A truck driver, hauling a tractor‑trailer load of computers, stops
for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door
that says, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED ‑ ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and
sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind
of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver
explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the
computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says,
"OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of
glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve
kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the
guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender
replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because they are
overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and
the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of
engineers, accountants and programmers. Each of them wearing the
nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened
in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing
several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up
and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF
The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your
RAM is a moral dilemma.
Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery,
and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that
the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see
how they do the special effects.
You have never backed up your hard drive.
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you
got married.
You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts.
You know what <A HREF="http://">http://</A> stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep.
You wear black socks with tennis shoes (or vice versa).
You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the
moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
Your checkbook always balances.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz Pentium.
You've already calculated how much you make per second (Assuming you get
paid enough to make such a calculation meaningful).
"HARDWARE: The part of the computer that can be kicked.
If you can only curse at it, it's software."