The Black Adder was a British tv show that took the same cast through several different time periods and story arcs. It was a show of sarcasm and bad luck. Here are some quotes for you to enjoy.
Well yes...I do rather laugh in the face of fear...
- Edmund
A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow, death loses its sting..
- Edmund
If I die, Baldrick, d'you think people would remember me?
...Yeah, of course they would. People would always be slapping each other on the shoulders and laughing and saying, 'Do you remember old Privy-Breath?'...
- Edmund and Baldrick
Quick! Melchett's dying! We must do something!
Of course...Some sort of celebration...
- Queenie and Edmund
"Oh, If I say that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will remove my
testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite make
that out, and roast them over a large fire. Whereas, if I don't admit that I'm head over heels in
love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm
marmalade... AND remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of
gardening tool.
Well in that case, I love Satan....
Oh, it's a scythe....."
- Edmund
The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are singing...oh, look! Look! There's
a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors...and he's _still_ got a smile on his face!
- Percy to Edmund
Now Percy, will you get out...before I cut off your head, scoop out the insides...and give it to your
mother as a vase.
- Edmund
I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?
Well, of course not. Who do you think you are...Watt Tyler? You can have the afternoon off when you
die, Baldrick, not before.
- Baldrick and Edmund
The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you.
(Hands Edmund a scroll)...It's a map of the area you'll be traversing
(Edmund unrolls it ; it is blank on both sides)...They'd be very grateful if you could just fill it in as you
go along...
- Melchett
Look, there's no need to panic. Someone in the crew will know how to steer the ship.
...The crew, my lord?
...Yes, the crew.
..._What_ crew?
I was under the impression that it was common maritime practice for a ship to have a _crew_.
Opinion is divided on the subject.
...Is it?
Yes. All the other captains say it _is_..._I_ say it _isn't_.
- Edmund and Captain Rum
...Don't look much like Southampton Docks to me, my lord.
What?
Well, those streams of molten lava and that steaming mangrove swamp...
And that crowd of beckoning natives rubbing their tummies and pointing to a pot...
- Baldrick and Edmund
He died a hero's death, dying so his friends might live...
...And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.
- Percy and Edmund
Baldrick, this is Molly ; an inexpensive prostitute.
Molly, this is Baldrick...a pointless peasant.
- Edmund
My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers. I consider myself to be one of England's finest liers...
Oh, my God, Percy, a giant hummingbird is about to eat your hat and cloak!!!
Oh, no!! (runs out)
...You see, I'm terrific at it...
- Edmund and Percy
Well...I have heard there's good money to be made down at the docks... doing..._favours_ for sailors...
Favours? What...delivering messages, sewing on buttons, that sort of thing?
- Baldrick and Edmund
You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?
Yeeees....
Well, I thought if I _owned_ the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit...'cos I won't ever shoot
myself.
- Baldrick and Edmund
It's the magazine that tells the Tommies the _truth_ about the War.
...Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since laws of fidelity were included in the French
marriage service...
- George and Edmund
Oh, come, come, sir - now, you can't deny that this newspaper is good for the morale of the men?
Certainly not. I just feel more could be achieved by giving them some _real_ toilet paper.
- George and Edmund
I smell something fishy - and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble...
- Edmund
We didn't order those new ladders either. I issued them to the men yesterday and they were absolutely
thrilled, isn't that right, men?
Yes, sir. First solid fuel we've had since we burnt the cat!
- George and Baldrick
I, on the other hand, am a well-rounded human being, with a degree from the University of Life, a
diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the
Shit Kicked Out Of Me.
- Edmund
Who was it then, Captain?
(replacing receiver) Strangely enough, it was Pope Gregory the Ninth, inviting me for drinks about his steam yacht, the 'Saucy Sue', currently wintering in Montego Bay with the English cricket team and the Balinese Goddess of Plenty.
Really?
...No, not really.
- Baldrick and Edmund
So - it's maximum security. Is that clear?
Certainly, sir. Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking world is to know.
- Melchett and Edmund
George: "Apart from this occasion do you think of Blackadder as a man who would normally disobey orders?"
Darling: "Yes."
George : "Are you sure? I was rather banking on you saying 'No' there."
- George questions Capt. Darling
Mind if I disturb you for a moment, sir?
No...no, not at all. My diary's pretty empty this week...let's see...
Thursday morning: "Get shot."...yes, that's about it, really.
- Perkins and Edmund
Is there any particular area you'd like us to go for? We can aim anywhere...
...Well, in that case...just above the top of my head might be a good spot...
- Squad Sargeant and Edmund
Thank you, George, but if you don't mind I'd rather have my tongue beaten wafer-thin by a steak
tenderiser and then stapled to the floor with a croquet hoop.
- Edmund
Baldrick, in the Amazonian rainforest there are tribes as yet untouched by civilization who have
developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions than yours.
- Edmund
I've no desire to hang out with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then
spend the rest of the day loafing around in Paris, drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of
moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my.....hang on.....!
- Edmund
I think the phrase rhymes with 'Clucking Bell'...
- Edmund
If it wasn't for this terrible war, Neville would still be here today, sniffling his little nose, and going,
'eek'. On the other hand, if he hadn't died, I wouldn't have been able to insert a curtain rod in his bottom
and use him as a dishmop.
- Baldrick and Edmund
I will return before you can say, 'Antidisestablishmentarianism'.
Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. Antidistibbilitz...
Antimisdibbilince....
(Caption : Two Days Later)
....Antidistinctlymintymempsbalism...
- Edmund and George
Now...'Any history of insanity in the family?'...Tell you what, I'll just cross out the 'in'...
- Edmund
If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.
- Edmund
It's the most pointless book since 'How to Learn French' was translated into French.
- Edmund
Baldrick, where's the manuscript?
You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
Yes, Baldrick, the manuscript...belonging to Dr Johnson.
You mean the big baity fellow in a black cape who just left?
Yes, Baldrick, Doctor Johnson.
So...you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belonging to the big baity fellow in a
black cape who just left is?
Yes, Baldrick, I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes at the end of my
leg will soon connect sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers.
For the last time, Baldrick, where is Doctor Johnson's manuscript?
On the fire.
On the WHAT?!!
...The hot orangy thing below the stony mantlepiece.
- Edmund and Baldrick
Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death,
would be as nothing compared to five minutes with me...and this pencil.
- Edmund
I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence.
I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course.
- Baldrick
My Uncle was in a play once. It was called Macbeth.
What did he play?
Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
So he was a _stunt_ codpiece, then?
Yeah.
Did he have a large part?
...Depends who was playing Macbeth.
- Baldrick and Edmund
Don't worry, Mr.B. I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
Yes, Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by
cutting off her head...
- Baldrick and Edmund
...As dead as that squirrel.
Which squirrel?
(Amy shoots, we hear an 'eep' as the bullet hits, and a thud as the creature falls to the ground)
...Oh, _that_ squirrel.
- Amy and Edmund
Mrs M., if we were the last three humans on Earth, I'd be trying to start a family with Baldrick.
- Edmund to Mrs Miggins
Aha! Brekkers! I could eat fourteen trays of it this morning, and still have room for a dolphin on toast.
- George
A man may fight for many things. His country, his principles, his friends. The glistening tear on the
cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an
amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
- Edmund
(reads) 'Congratulations on choosing the Armitage-Whitworth Four Pounder Cannonette. Please read
the instructions carefully and it should give you years of trouble-free maiming...'
- Edmund