BLACK & WHITE
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day
of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the
groom wearing black?"
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Give it a nipple.
LACK OF SEX DRIVE
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
Wedding cake.
MOOD SWINGS
My fiancé not happy with my mood swings. He bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed ‑‑ even before I sensed it ‑‑ that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90‑day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self‑centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it ...
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have said... . . Oh God, I feel so ..... . ''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger. He's glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15‑second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
''Bill, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
IN PRAISE OF OLDER WOMEN
by
DONNA LYPCHUK
In praise of older women (which in our society means over 25): An
older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A
younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade
in a brothel.
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to
ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you
think.
An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies.
Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural
disaster.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman
is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12
beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal
tea.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a
man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended
young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with
older men. Older women have superior sexual stamina.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without
looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not
true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible
shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always
already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia
about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is
another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are
an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing,
just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts
herself on a pedestal.
If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman
will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live
at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that
the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman,
you will probably be the last to know...
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you
when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you
up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the
phone, for you to call...
Older woman know how to cook. Young women know how to dial 967-1111.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger
woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get
any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an
affair, because somehow they always know.
Older woman often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they
have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't
wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility
of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody
that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match
with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12
beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time
to grasp this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want
to boff you too.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go
on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her
youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
Collect a lot of keys from the wedding party/friends WITHOUT the
bride and groom's knowledge. Pass them out to as many women as
possible (swearing them to secrecy). During your speech, announce
the "The bride realises that the groom has had a lot of girlfriends
over the years. She would appreciate it if any of them who have keys
to his place could please return them."
This is the cue for all the women to bring their keys to the wedding
party table. Try to get a couple of pregnant women in the group and
maybe somebody's grandma.
The best man bought a number of condoms and passed them around to the groom's closest friends before the wedding. Immediately after the ceremony, each person cupped it in his right hand right before he shook the groom's hand (while passing through the reception line) so that it would end up in the groom's hand during the handshake. No one else (even the bride, who was standing right next to the groom) could tell what was going on. (actually, I think the bride found out after a few times because the groom kept sticking his hand in his pocket and was also turning red).
- If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
- There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving-
they'd be wrong but you could still use them. - Men are like animals-messy, insensitive and potentially violent-but they make great pets.
- There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".
The Times they are a changing. An extract possibly taken directly from a 1950s home economics textbook entitled "The Good Wives' Guide" written by an unknown woman.
"Paragraph" - Women: Look, Listen and Take Heed.
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting
him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about
his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal
(especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when
he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be
fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day
may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away
the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house
just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and
then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a
fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a
haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all,
catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal
satisfaction.
Prepare the children, take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces
(if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their
clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them
playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
from the washer, dryer, and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to
be quiet. Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to see
him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him,
but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first -
REMEMBER, HIS TOPICS OF CONVERSATION ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out
to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try
to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need
to be at home and relax.
Your goal. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and
tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor
compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have
him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low
soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions
or question his judgement or integrity.
Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always
exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to
question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation:
"If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied,
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
I believe that sex between two people is a beautiful thing....between five its fantastic.
Love: that delightful interval between meeting a the most interesting man in the world l and discovering that what a moron he is.
Q: What did the banana say to the dildo?
A: What the hell are you shaking for shes going to eat me?
This couple were married for 67 years.
The husband was asked ; if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce.
"Heavens no" he replied.
Murder yes, but never divorce.
101 things not to say during the act
- But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
what they say:
what they mean:
"Did you come?"
"Because I didn't."
"I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."
"I'm a romantic."
"I'm poor."
"I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
"I never meant to hurt you."
"I thought you weren't a virgin."
"Trust me."
"let's just keep this between you and me."
"I love you."
"God, what have I gotten myself into?"
"I think we should just be friends."
"You're ugly."
"Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."
"I want to make love."
"I want to make love."
"Was it good for you?"
"I'm insecure about my manhood."
"We need to talk."
"I'm pregnant."
"I had a wonderful time last night."
"Who the hell are you?"
"I've been thinking a lot."
"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I've learned a lot from you."
"Next."
"I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."
"I think we should see other people."
"I have been seeing other people."
"Let's get married."
"Does that mean we can do it now?"
"We don't have to do anything until you're ready."
"Put out or get out."
"I feel it's time to express our love for each other."
"Give me head."
"I still think about you."
"I miss the sex."
"Is there something wrong?"
"Is it supposed to be this soft?"
"You're so mature."
"I hope you're eighteen."
"It's never been like this before."
"It's my first time."
"Yes...Yes...(scream!)"
"Aren't you done yet?"
You know there must be a million lame, tasteless jokes in this world, but enough about my husband's family...
How to Get Rid of a Blind Date
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. Drool.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, Explain you’re “taking advantage of the free refills.”
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A woman is walking along the beach and spots a gold handle poking out of the sand. Digging it out, she
discovers that it's an old beat-up lamp... and begins to brush it off. Then all of the sudden , this genie
appears in front of her
"I am at your command master," bellowed the genie. "Since you have freed me from my
imprisonment of 10,000 years, I can grant you 3 wishes. However, there is a catch...whatever you
wish for, your husband will get double."
The woman looks up at the genie, "Double !?!...I thought you were a genie...help me out here !!"
"Those are the rules," the genie informed.
"All right...I wish for...a huge mansion." Suddenly the woman finds herself inside a huge mansion, but
across the way she sees an even larger mansion with her husband jumping for joy in the front yard.
"Hmmm....I wish for...ten million dollars." Before she could even finish her request, there is a knock on
the door. The woman runs over to the door, open it, and is greeted by an armored truck filled to the
brim with cash. But before she could even begin to enjoy her newly found wealth, the sound of an
enormous helicopter transporting a huge safe containing twenty million dollars disrupts the mood, and
lands in her husband's front yard.
"You have one wish left," informed the genie.
"OK...beat me half to death."
A story of wedding woes
If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. A buddy of mine from my baseball team knows a guy that was at the wedding.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank
the bride's and groom's families for coming.
To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it.
Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said Fuck You, he turned to the bride and said Fuck You, and then said I'm out of here.
He got the marriage annulled the next day.
While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.
This is his world, we just live in it.
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says, "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man, "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks, "What are you doing in there?" The guy says, "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her!"
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.
So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his...umm...you know...in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you?!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
This shop owner and his wife are getting dressed to go out to their local association's annual award dinner. The wife turns to her husband and asks him to please get her pearl stud earrings out of her jewerly box. So he complys.
He goes to her jewerly box and discovers an envelope. He decides to open it and see what's inside. He finds it contains 3 kernels of corn and $15.
He grabs the pearl earrings as instructed and when he returns to his wife, his curiosity gets the better of him. The shop owner says, "Honey, what are those kernels of corn doing in an envelope in your jewelry box?".
His wife replies, "Well, Dear, I haven't always been faithful to you. To remind me of the commitment I made when we said our marriage vows, I put a kernel of corn in that envelope every time I've been unfaithful."
The shop owner finds his wife's efforts at staying faithful touching and says he forgives her. "But what about the fifteen dollars?", he asks.
"Well," she explains, "when corn gets to five dollars a bushel, I sell it!"
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . .about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Dave then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
"Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line." replied the man.
Ann and Sophie, both in their 50's, are having lunch when Sophie, looking very serious says, "Ann, it's mine and Harry's 25th wedding anniversary next month, and I would really like to give him something special. I've never given him a handjob and I know how desperately he wants one, but Ann, I don't know how to give one...what should I do?
Ann takes her friend aside and says, "Go and get yourself a ketchup bottle. You have a month to
practice."
One month later, on their anniversary, while Sophie and Harry are in bed, Sophie tells Harry that she has a special present for him and when he finds out its a handjob he becomes hard with anticipating. Sophie takes his penis and grips it with one hand and says, "Here goes......I hope you like it."
Sophie then takes her other hand and smacks the end of his penis with the palm of her hand three times
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make
love for hours-wondrous, delightful, satisfying, exquisite love. Afterwards, they're just lying there, each savoring the nearness of the other. The telephone rings and , because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice.
"Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds
terrific. Great! Okay. Buh-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
An elderly woman on her death bed requested a minister to comfort her in her last hours. The minister arrived and seeing her depression tried to raise her spirits.
“You have nothing to worry about, I’ve known you for over twenty years and you have been such a wonderful person I am sure you will go straight to heaven.”
The elderly woman still appeared distressed so the minister continued, “and when you get to heaven you will finally get to see the paradise where all your dreams will come true.”
But these soothing words had no effect on the elderly woman.
The minister thought some more and said, ”Further more you will get to see all your departed loved ones and be reunited with your husband, Joe, who died last year.”
The elderly woman looked up at the minister in deep thought and finally spoke. In all the records of history such a long crude viscous streak of cursing had not been uttered as that unleashed by the elderly woman addressing the minister and all of the people in the hospital.
The minister spoke in anger after being insulted so, ”Why in the world are did you say that?”
The elderly woman replied, “I want to go to Hell. I waited on Joe on hand foot for 40 years and I’ll be damned if I have to do that for all eternity!”
Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consumating their passions.
"Every time we make love," she said " I get splinters."
So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.
"Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need," was the carpenter's
response.
A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked.
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio.
John invited his mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know What you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do'
sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Why it is great to be a guy..........
Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
You can go to the bathroom alone
Your last name stays put
You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
You can kill your own food
The garage is all yours
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
Wedding plans take care of themselves
Your underwear costs less than $7.50 for a pack of 3
You don't have to shave below your neck
You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
Same work........more pay
Gray hair and wrinkles add character
Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
The remote is yours and yours alone
New shoes don't change your bone structure
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out,
and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
There's a chicken and an egg laying in bed at night. The chicken has a very content look on its face and is having a cigarette. The egg is less content and thinks to himself, "Well I guess that answers that question."
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
On their wedding night, the wife said to her new husband, this is a special night and I want to do something special for you. So he thinks and asks for a blowjob. The wife blinks, and says I will never do that, you would lose all respect for me. The husband argues in vain that he could never lose respect for the woman he loves. She refuses.
The same thing happens at their 5, 10, and 25 year anniversaries.
On their 50th much to his surprise, she agrees, but only if he promises to hold her in the same level of respect he has for the past 50 years. He agrees and she proceeds to give him his first blowjob since he has known her.
During the blowjob, the phone rings, he pauses and as he hands it to his wife he says, "It's for you, cocksucker!"
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.
The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
The husband replies, "Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile with her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked. Bring beer.
Men's Rules for Women (humor us)
1.It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet up when you are done.
2.If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3.Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4.Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5.Shopping is not fascinating.
6.When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
1.Unless the answer is yes. 2.In which case, can he videotape it? 3.If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
7.The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
8.Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
9.Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
10.Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
11.Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
12.He heard you the first time.
13.You know, you can ask him out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
14.If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
15.Of course he wants another beer.
16.The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.
17.Dogs good. Cats bad.
18.Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
19.If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
20."Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument..
22.He was not looking at that other girl.
1.Well, okay... maybe a little. 2.Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
23.He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
24.Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
25.If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm.
26.It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
29.Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
30.Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
31.Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
34.Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
35.He does not just want to be friends.
36.A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
SUBJ: THE YOUNG BRIDE'S HANDBOOK
Contributed to HumourNet by Richard in Phoenix
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
FOR THE
YOUNG BRIDE
on the
Conduct and Procedure of the
Intimate and Personal Relationships
of the Marriage State
for the
Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God
by
Ruth Smythers
beloved wife of
The Reverend L.D. Smythers
Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist
Church of the Eastern Regional Conference
Published in the year
of our Lord 1894
Spiritual Guidance Press
New York City
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and
most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the
wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a
beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in
securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her
life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during
which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the
first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some
young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with
curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and
sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One
cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE,
GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could
have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While
sex it at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be
endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is
compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced
through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the
groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband
would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and
only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and
unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The
wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences
weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she
should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best
friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering
also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour
before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of
denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A
good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a
week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by
the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their
child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all
sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon
his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband
in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low
as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the
kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather
perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a
variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include
among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions;
mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be
mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing
photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the
obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see
her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed
body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced
only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have
thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their
husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not
be removed durning the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is
exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights,
she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he
comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in
her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She
should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he
will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an
excuse to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily
motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the
optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head
slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If
he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts
her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly
pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that
nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his
desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise
wife will suddenly remember some trivial non‑sexual question to ask
him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no
matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having
sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous
embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no
farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his
pajamas to thus make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while
his (sic) huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie
perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan
while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed
the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor
tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a
major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful
exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must
insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy.
Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact
that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have
been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep
sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes
to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already
half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage
and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to
annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.
copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
********************************************************************
Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :‑)
********************************************************************
A Gal's Guide to Geek Guys
By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat
So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.
Why Geek Dudes Rule
They are generally available.
Other women will tend not to steal them.
They can fix things.
Your parents will love them.
They're smart.
Where The Geek Dude Lurks
While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.
Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.
Imprinting
You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic...
The Trek factor
If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men,
often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.
Once You've Nabbed Him
Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged
to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few
short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man:
Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They
are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a
newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.
Geek Cuisine
Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves.
Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch
of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however,
remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.
Geek Lifestyle
The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard
disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot
master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details
which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize.
To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants
- Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet
who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to
go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.
Geek Buddies
Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with
the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that
you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm
them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.
Post-It Note
I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked
her husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had
always thought Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem who is always
had trouble (this is fairly apt). This exchange is interesting for several reasons:
Howard had already thought about who she was most like.
He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.
Victoria actually knew who he meant.
Folks, I think this marriage will last.
One Last Thing
Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some
and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer
to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember,
his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.
Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like
a little intellectual stimulation or your own?
We thought so.
What women always say:
- Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
- I'm bored. Let's shave my crotch!
- Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
- That was a great fart! Do another one!
- I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
- You're so sexy when you're hungover.
- I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
- Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
- Look at the boobs on that chick!
- I'll be out painting the house.
- Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY
- I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
- Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
- Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
THE CANONICAL LIST OF SORORITY GIRL JOKES
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on the bed.
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it gets blood.
Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
What does a frat boy say to a girl that refuses him?
"Have another beer."
STUPID MEN JOKES
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
- No mind.
- No business.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
I am not anti-man. I am anti-stupid
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest
Men are like handguns. Keep one around long enoght and your gonna want to shoot it.
Man: If I could see you naked I'd die happy.
Woman: If I say you naked I'd die laughing.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
Stupid Woman Jokes
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?
A: Because she was a woman.
Q: What's the useless skin over a penis called?
A: A man.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two; one to change it, and one to suck my dick.
Q: How can you tell when a man's satisfied during sex?
A: Who gives a fuck?
Q: What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?
A: Albert Einstein's dick.