The Magic Items that TSR Forgot
by Bill Garrett
Tired of the same, old magic items that have been in the rulebooks for
the past 13 years? Forthwith lies a compendium of late-night, beer-
fueled humor, cleverly disguised as a list of new magical items. Drop
one or two into your game for a few extra laughs.
Mace of Disruption
This item appears to be a normal mace +1 and is usable only by spell
casters, but is laiden with a curse that does not become apparent
until the possessor tries to cast a spell. At this point, the mace
will loudly yell "Hey, you!" and will begin to spout off insults at
the wielder so as to break up the caster's concentration and hence
ruin the spell.
Wand of Blunder
This wand looks like the lower leg bone of a large dog and will
radiate a strong dweomer of the Silly type if a detect magic spell is
cast. Every use expends one charge and produces one of the following
results: (roll d12)
1) Severs user's hand
2) Causes target to lose all body hair
3) Performs Create Water, over user's head
4) Creates massive stench, causing all party members to retch for
one round (save vs. poison allowed)
5) Banner shoots out from end of wand, proclaiming "BANG!"
6) Target shrinks to 1/10 normal height
7) Target grows to 10 times normal size
8) Wand disappears permanently (Hurrah!)
9) Gates in either a cockroach (50%) or a mouse (50%)
10) Conjures a lightbulb, which appears over user's head,
accompanied by the "ding" of a bell
11) Launches 100 moldy bagels at target.
12) Destroys entire multiverse. Game over.
Libram of Literacy
By reading this complex book cover to cover, one who is currently
illiterate will learn how to read.
Gauntlet of Eternal Masturbation
Strongly resembles a beneficial magical item such as Gauntlets of Ogre
Power or Gauntlets of Dexterity. Once this gauntlet is put on, it can
only be removed by a Remove Curse or Wish spell.
Cloak of Promiscuity
This cloak appears to be a fairly good-looking piece of clothing.
When donned, it becomes transparent to all individuals except the
person wearing it.
Sword +1, +4 vs Masonry
This weapon was created to destroy masonry. When within 60' of any
stones, bricks, mortar, concrete, or rocks, the sword will pulse
angrily. For each 100 pounds of such materials, there is a cumulative
10% chance that the weapon will dominate the user and force him/her to
attack all masonry in sight until it is reduced to rubble.
Potion of PMS
This potion causes its imbiber to be subject to violent mood shifts
for d4+1 days. These mood shifts can occur as frequently as the
player or DM desire, but a general rule is every four to six hours.
Potion of Gaseous Farts
Causes unsurpressible flatulence for d6+4 rounds.
Horn of ThreeTons
When blown, this horn causes one ton each of shrubbery, cats, and
cream pies to rain down upon the user. It is rummored that different
horns summon forth different combinations.
Manual of Painful Exercise
After reading this lengthy book and dutifully performing all the
exercises described therein for 30 days, the reader will permanently
lose 2 points of Dexterity due to bruised ligaments.
Lenses of Protection
You wouldn't hit a person with glasses, would you?
Dagger of Whining
This miserable little blade is never happy. Whether sheathed or
drawn, it will always find something to complain about, such as "Put
me back Q it's cold out!", "Awww, now I'm all bloody!", and "I've been
dropped, and no one's picking me up!"
Gauntlets of Ogre Brains
Immediately lowers (raises?) the wearer's Intelligence and Wisdom to
those of an average Ogre -- namely, 6 in each. Also modifies the
user's posture and manners to those common to Ogres.