Climbing and Camping related humor
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing
into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you
something to wipe your nose on.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine
a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do
not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes
excellent kindling.
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table
will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to
strangle a snoring tent mate.
Spring Horoscopical Predictions
By Inez "Jeane" Dixonelius,Spiritual adviser to the President.
*Aquarius
This is the age of doom dawning for the seasoned waterman. April promises
wet cracks and routes beneath waterfalls. Body condoms are suggested for
all multipitch climbs. Keep yer raincoat on when chasing wild mountain
wenches on belay ledges. Lady Aquarius, you are best suited for a sensible
Capricorn. He'll get a job first, then go climbing.
*Pisces
Since Aquarius is wearing rubber, the stars suggest you team up for some
watersports. Don't be slithering around responsibility, little fishie--set
up yer own anchors. It is a well known fact that all sport weenies are
aspiring Pisces. Break the rules, equalize with a cordelette and be
shark-like. Prospect for romance in the making, but you have to be into
sheep.
*Aries
Piton-ram, you are destined to celebrate your 98th birthday on the wall.
Don't cut your hair and beard (that goes for the ewes sporting a mustache
as well). You know what happened when Samson's plume was cut off...You
will need all your strength to pulley up the keg. Romance on a portaledge
promises disastrous results. Bring your inflatable suzie doll and leave
yer pardner alone.
*Taurus
Steer madness stalks the heifer. Quit flaring your nostrils and buck up.
Heifer, aim higher when you kick him, he'll thank you for it on the runout.
Somebody is riding you and yer ain't a pig. Throw off the rider and look
for a new pardner. Power bars will only give you a stomach ache and tofu
is the spam of vegetarians. Stick to a side of beef, oops, that won't
work. Diet is important this season. With your build you have to do
something.
*Gemini
Yer are two in one; purchase of a soloist is suggested. No one likes your
company as much as you do. Given your Jeckyl and Hyde personality it is
time you focus on the twin within. Good luck. Solitude makes for a
monotonous, but self-satisfying sex-life on the bivy. A tip, partners will
flock to you if you leave Jeckyl behind in the Harding Slot.
*Cancer
Okey, you homebody of a crab--repack your rucksack, you can't take the
kitchen sink with you. Venture out and climb high and light. Carrying a
haulbag on a sport route ain't cool. Look for romance with a Pisces and
leave the bull alone. Your ability to keep house at the campsite makes you
a welcome addition to any group of filthy tradhogs leching after your sweet
tush.
*Leo
Quit roaring! We have heard you, over and over again. And keep your paws
to yourself! You are big and beautiful and you purr when you forget what
you were roaring about. Your strength will help you get over your lack of
agility. Don't sit up in that tree and look down hoping for a
rescue---jump, even though you hate leaderfalls. Raid Aerosol will help
get rid of the flea problem. Lady Lion rules.
*Virgo
Prim and proper and innocent as a rattlesnake. Tidy and organized, quit
making off with gear you think has been discarded. Not everyone is as neat
as you are. You are the perfect multipitch partner! Organization is your
forte and your gear is never neglected. Your virginity is doomed, my dear,
no matter what you do, there is a lusty Scorpio out there waiting for you.
Bat those eyelashes and enjoy a ride in the Duelfersitz.
*Libra
Balanced and well adjusted. Your face climbing ability is awesome! How
about some variety? Take a plunge, drink a half bottle of vodka and ask a
Leo to take you up an offwidth. Watch your language and quit cursing at
the moon. And, really, imitating your partner's Elvis leg ain't nice.
Just because you are light on yer feet doesn't mean others can't be
klutzes. You should dabble in sensual variety. Read a romance novel.
*Scorpio
Quit showing that big ole stinger. We are not impressed. No one is
stepping on you, so what's the deal? Let your partner touch and fondle
you. You'll like it after all. Check out the crab, a backwards step and a
sideways shift will make a nice little dance routine. Learn to down climb.
*Sagittarius
Your ability to enjoy nature is appreciated but, please, watch the leader.
You always find the hot springs. Sag, the sensitive new age partner is
good at touchy feely rope management. Your destiny is freeing the line
from rope eating flakes. Practice your knots and don't squint in the
sunlight watching fairies dance under your eyelids. Group sex is not for
you!
*Capricorn
The goat aspires to climb high. Just get that stupid focused look off your
face! Your jumping ability is impressive, but must you leave pellets
behind wherever you go? Your rack is loaded and nothing will please you
more than looking up at a big wall with the lion roaring behind you.
Romance is where you least expect it. Too bad you are straight.
Climbing Excuses
"Wrong shoes"
"The sun was in my eyes"
"Forgot to trim my nails"
"I'd lead it, but my partner would have trouble following it"
"We were going to do , but somebody was on it"
"My Land Cruiser is double parked"
i'd do it, but this is my old rope and i don't want to take falls on it (or) --->
i'd do it, but this is my new rope and i don't want to take falls on it
weather's looking iffy
i just ate a big meal (or) --->
i haven't eaten enough today
these pants restrict my motion too much
this problem seems harder than last time - i think a hold must have broken off
it's too early - let's do something else to warm up first
damn - i forgot to get the beta for that one section
holds are getting too polished from all the climbers
i'm not used to (sandstone/granite/quartzite/gritstone/rhyolite/mud)
i'm not used to (sport/trad)
i think there is a (insert name of favorite heinous maneuvre - fist jam, arm bar, knee jam)
on this pitch - you wanna lead?
TOP SIGNS YOU BEEN CLIMBING TO LONG:
You go to church and scout out routes to the ceiling
You climb your friends fireplace
You know how to get on your roof without a ladder
You begin buying your shoes 2 sizes too small out of habit
You get mad of having to spend $40 on a pair of Levi's, but don't mind spending $200+ for a pair of Gore-tex
You have no idea why your hands are bleeding
You aerate your lawn with your crampons
Your climbing equipment is worth more than your car
You give up a decent job so you can climb more
You blow a good marriage so you can climb more
Your body is worn out and you need medical attention, but that would take away from your climbing time, so you continue to hobble
You insist on eating out in older areas, since the buildings are more "climbable"
Your list of names for future ascents are longer than your list of friends
When walking down a cracked sidewalk, you're thinking, "That'll be a good hand hold".
When it hurts to hold onto the steering wheel driving home from climbing
You placed anchors on the side of your 5th story apartment building so you could sleep on your porta-ledge on the weekdays.
YOU MIGHT BE A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER IF....
- You own a $75 dress suit and a $1000 Gore-Tex suit.
- You have ever frozen your lips to an ice screw while blowing an ice plug at your partner.
- You have ever used an ice axe to chop weeds in the garden.
- A Mexican bus driver has ever had to open his window because of the way you smelled.
- You have more summit pictures than wedding pictures.
- You've ever had icicles hanging from any part of your face.
- You can pronounce Popocatepetl correctly more than once in a row.
- You've ever fallen so far that you've run out of adrenaline before you ran out of rope.
- You say "Namaste" instead of "Hello".
- You like the smell of burning yak dung.
- What you call cold is not on the standard thermometer scale.
- Your definition of a candlelight dinner is: "Thaw the ice with the candle and put it in the bag of freeze-dry".
- And finally, you understood all the previous lines. If you even laughed, you should get back to work...
CLIMBING'S NOT SO FAMOUS LAST WORDS:
1).I don't need a helmet .
2).Was that "on belay" or "off belay"?
3).ROCK!
4).No need for protection..it's only 5.11
5).Did you hear something?
6).I'm sure it was this way
7).I'm okay-It's just a little headache..
8).No reason for that,I know where every crevasse is
9).I think the rope made it all the way down???
10).Lets use this rock to rap from, it won't move.
11).Lets go for the top, we'll get back before it gets dark.
12).Your on belay... but whatever you do, don't fall!-
13).Can't be any harder than V.Diff, eh?
14).Looks pretty crap ice from here. Your lead?
YOU KNOW YOU CLIMB TOO MUCH WHEN...
- You decide it would be cheaper to buy your own shoe resoling equipment.
- You can't remember the last time you did something other than climb on your vacation.
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN CLIMBING BUT AREN'T
- I'll need plenty of protection for this one.
- Want to use my rope or yours?
- That crack is big enough for your whole fist.
- I'm getting tired of hanging here, but I want to try it one more time.
- Better take a good selection of nuts.
- I wish I hadn't lost that piece of protection in the crack.
- Make sure you anchor in; I'm a lot heavier than you.
and, the number one thing that sounds dirty in climbing but isn't:
- Wow, what a great crack!
Submitted by Tom Wheeler
You heard about the guy needing a new brain? Started looking at the samples sitting in their jars. How much for that one he asked.
Doc: Oh, that one is 6 million. What!
Customer: That is unbelievable, why so much?
Doc: It was from a doctor who was very healthy, religious and moral. OK, then how much for that one over there? 2 million.
Customer: I can't believe that, look, it has some flaky parts, shady and bruised.
Doc: Well, that one is a fine specimen of a lawyer who made a decent living, only cheated on his wife, taxes and at cards.
Well the man was beside himself. Finally he found a moth eaten, tattered little brain about the size of a walnut sitting in a jar of alcohol.
Customer: How much for that one?
Doc: 30 billion.
Customer: Why?
Doc: It is the worst example and in horrible shape! The Doctor looked at the man and said it came from a climber.
Customer: So, why so much?
Doc:, "Do you have any idea how many climbers we had to go through before we found one with a brain?"
Peace, Ahabonook in Alaska
A chain letter
Dear Friend,
A year ago I was a 300 lb slob, living out of a cardboard box and
struggling up 4th class sport climbs. I hadn't a dime-sized edge to
my name! I'd lost more climbing partners than I could count, but I
swear none of the accidents were my fault---I can't help it if I have a
very short attention span when it comes to belaying!
Now I am a ROCK STAHR - I regularly flash 5.14, and compete at the
international level. My lean frame fits inside the narrowest of squeeze
chimneys (and I'd climb them if only my gigantic ego would fit as well).
I have risen well above such earthly chores as belaying and can devote
my full energies to tasks such as defining the future of climbing.
I own a house on every continent each with two acres of climbing walls
and enjoy training sessions orchestrated by an arsenal of 25 specialists
who oversee every phase of my athletic development.
How did I make this incredible transition? Well, I responded to a letter
like this, never guessing the enormous impact it would have on my life.
Don't believe anyone who tells you climbing at the top is all hard work,
nothing could be farther from the truth! Here's how it works:
(1) Call the person at the top of the list, and offer your services
to belay them for a day. No matter how grungy the route,
how long the approach, or how heinous the deeds he/she orders
you to perform, DO IT! Bring your helmet and plenty of protection.
(2) Cross off the top name and add your own to the end. Then make six
copies of this letter and send it to your climbing buddies. If you
are feeling nice today, send it to your six worst enemies.
If the belay-slave-chain goes unbroken you will, in a matter of weeks,
receive 3,587,949,402,467,446 calls from people begging to belay you!
Your abilities will skyrocket! Everyone will hate you, but so what?
You'll be leading 5.14 like me, what do you care?